Am I a procrastinating mothercunt or what? Let me get a halleluiah!

Username - The fuck? I tried pronouncing it aloud, but I got as far as “ch” and quit.

First Impression - You can’t judge a book by its cover, as they say. I was quite mistaken with my first impression, “Holy shit, why in the hell did I want to do reviews again?”

Errors - Are you fucking colorblind? Orange and blue do not look nice together. I don’t check links or any of that shit, mainly because I don’t care. I’ll continue to nitpick at your layout further on down and be nice here. I’m a nice person, you see. 8/10

Layout - The first item I obsessively look at is the title bar. “You don’t want to read this...” Again with the judging a book by its cover, but how am I supposed to fucking review without being a tinge judgmental and/or biased? Confidence is key, motherfucker, and whether you jest or you’re for real, that is not a good title. I advise you to change it, and get rid of the god damn ellipses. Satan added those to the keyboard as a mistake, you know.

Another automatic dislike was the repeating background image. Little anime lady equals WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN? Who told you that was a neat picture? They need to be fucking bound and gagged then thrown off a fucking underpass into oncoming traffic. If you originally sketched it, more power to you, but Christ in a half shell, couldn’t she have at least been naked?

Blue, black, and white are a good choice of colors. Orange, however, is not. It’s like making a fucking fruit smoothie then throwing a bag of shit in the mix. Despite the amount of bananas, strawberries and other fruity num-nums, the shit can still be tasted, if you get my drift. You probably don’t. Just change the fucking link colors.

I’m not caring enough right now to check if it is self designed. Wait, wait, no. It’s not. The actual layout itself is not so awful-just the stupid fucking chick that REPEATS as you scroll down, and the bad fucking colors. We’ve already been over that, though. 10/20

Content - Back when I had first put you on the pending list (roughly two fucking years ago), I went to your diary to check things out. Feel the tits through the sweater before I actually stuck my hand up the shirt, so to speak. Fuck, I can’t remember what entry I read, so I apologize for the missing link to it, but just know I was pretty impressed. The shitty layout threw me off. I think I even found myself laughing.

When I returned with the intent on actually doing the review, the first entry I came upon was this one. Oh my, I could have fucking kissed you. As of right now I’m listening to The Shins, New Slang, which they have on that particular soundtrack. Is the movie any good? I can’t decide if I want to find the energy to drive all the fucking way to Tampa to watch the shit. Ah, the joys of living the small town life. What the fuck am I talking about?

I just went to your myspace (which by the way, you should be really fucking embarrassed about for having) and I got freaked out by all of the fucking Asian chicks. You’re losing five points for that shit.

You obviously are the proud owner of a fucking brain. Congratulations! A pat on the ass and a Milano fucking cookie for you. You said “Ciao, babies” at the end, though. That was just fucking stupid. I’m really not giving you any of the juicy stuff, I realize. Fact is, I almost sort of kind of enjoyed your diary. I can’t believe I just said that.

Oh, hey! I just found the actual first entry I read. Here. There is a lot of YOU in this entry. Some bullshit about school, girls, Japan (allow me to wipe the projectile vomit off my chin), and a sense of humor that I can identify with. Like fucking your teacher, I hella know where you’re coming from. No I don’t, but I think that shit is pretty god damn funny.

I’m going to jump back for a little while and read some of your older shit to get a glimpse at a younger (albeit not incredibly) version of you. This is what I got. The writing thing I can also relate to, which I have found takes up more than just your older entries. It’s still a going thing, so a big fucking thumb up the ass for that.

Maybe you’re finding that this review isn’t exactly what you wanted, and you’ll probably also find out that I don’t give a flying fuck. Tough titty, said the kitty. Fuck, I love that.

My only serious peeve is the lack of confidence you possess. It’s not an admirable quality, and it shows in your writing. You use words like “nostalgic” and “emotional” (proof) which is fucking sissified. Shut the fuck up, you pansy flower, and tell me something rugged and manly. 55/65

Would I Come Back? - Don’t make me answer that, I'll be forced to stab my eye out. 5/5

Bonus - For causing massive embarrassment on my part for liking your shit so much. +3/5

Total - If you ever pass me by on the street, tell me, “You gave me a B minus on Diary-Nazi!” I’ll be sure to beat the fucking crap out of you for it. 81/100


Reviewed by Jesse