Holy bat smokes Batman! I’m actually bored enough to do a review, and have nothing else to worry about!

Username At first I saw your name “softplaces” and I sez to myself I sez “Hey Tofu, this sounds like it’s either A) one of those few people on D-land who like to listen to ethereal and ambient music, or it’s some moody teenager.” Well, I click your profile link to make sure it’s not broken, and that it actually takes me to a profile (I fucking hate when I get taken to a retarded “about me” page.) I find a picture of Morpheus the King of Dreams himself, and a quote from Sandman explaining your name. Needless to say, if this part was graded you’d get a 6/5… but it’s not so we’ll make it up to you in the bonus section.

First Impression UCK, looks hideous. It’d look better if the saucy anime broad was in full color or just didn’t have the blue highlights. Also… a FUCKING TEXT BOX!!!!!

Errors Your link to your old diary on the “About” page is fucked up. My guess is you wrote it up in word, then pasted it, because the “” look all fucked up. I know this because that’s what happens to me when I make links for reviews. Just edit your quote marks and the link should work fine. Christ, you’re a member of eloquent? I could kill you for that, but I’ll let you live because I still love you for being a Sandman fan (Neil Gaiman holds a lot of water in my neck of the woods). Wait a second!!! There’s already a Dungeons and Dragons diary ring?!!! I was gonna make one, but I used up my last slot to make the cyber-punk one no one joined (possibly because you uncultured swine have no idea what cyber-punk is.) That I’ll make a note for bonus points on being a PnP gamer later. My friend was messing around with my 20 sided die last night, and on his first roll ever, he rolled a natural 20. How friggin cool is that? We took a picture of it. You do however write poetry, that I’m not going to read, and that’s an error too. 8/10

Layout I explained before, as much as I like sexy anime chicks, it looks really really bad. It looks like a negative image, if it is, don’t do that. The colors look very bad on your page. I also hate the text box, and most of all I hate the shit at the bottom of your entries. I LOATHE STUFF LIKE THAT!!!!!!! When you have a bazillion stupid fucking picture links to Jesus H Fucking Christ knows what cluttering the bottom of your entry, it makes me want to kill something cute and fuzzy especially the moon phases. Yeah I know, all you fucking inter-pagans have them in your blogs. Guess what, the goddess wants you to knock that shit off. The counter is also unnecessary. I hate it when people feel the need to display how many other assholes looked at your page. It’s narcissistic and lame… but then again you do belong to eloquence. Can I go on for a minute how fucking retarded eloquence is? It really is full of mostly terrible fucking writers with no talent or passion whatsoever. Just a bunch of elitist self indulgent fuckbags that feel the need to separate themselves into a clique, when there’s really a lot more people out there with more to say, and better ways to say it. But back to your layout, I still don’t like it, and no amount of Japanese cartoons, lvl 17 Elf necromancy, or chats with the Kindly Ones will change my opinion on that. Congratulations. 8/20

Content Okay, here’s the real meat of the review where all that other stuff was strictly for masturbation purposes.

Kicking off a review with an entry that starts out saying “Warning: I'm feeling really self-loathing right now, and I've been drinking a bit. This entry will be very angsty, but I just need an outlet. If stupid depressive teenlike angst nauseates you, skip this entry!”

Ooooh I love masochistic torture that leads to sadistic whip lashing.

Maybe I need some back story, or maybe you’re just vague, but yeah, that did just seem like an empty generic teenage rant. I know you’re 21, and we all have moments of self doubt, self loathing, and the like… but it doesn’t feel like anything was remotely solved at the end. Just kind of an open letter saying “oh baby I miss this sooooo much, why can’t I be this and this, woe is me.” Pull it together man! Man is an island; all women are peninsulas that should be islands. You’re absolutely right though (even though I highly doubt you’ll ever take your advice.), work on yourself before you take someone else under your wing, or find someone you’re mutually beneficial with. Otherwise, I just think you’re being an ingrate and the answers already in your hands. Shit happens.

And for the love of Buddha, do you HAVE to have a fucking quote in almost every entry you write. Especially in a text box, with that ugly fucking color. However, you like Buffy, and you mentioned the musical episode. This means I’m going to be singing “Alive” all day long, after my fiancé and I just finished having a week where we couldn’t get those songs out of our heads.

“She’s been doing well with things from hell
but lately we can tell
That she’s been going thru the motions
(going thru the motions)
walking thru the ow!
”She’s not even half the girl she… owwwww.”

Yep it’s stuck in my head alright.

The next paragraph, so much useless punctuation, you remind me of myself when you do that. Cut it out!

Yay, you stopped being a whiney bitch and sorted things out properly. Now apply this same logic whenever you feel yourself getting overly dramatic, and you can pretty much effectively evade a shit load of downtime in your life and have minimal amounts of people get frustrated constantly having to give you a rim job to keep you happy. God knows I’m not happy unless someone somewhere is eating ass.

I know this isn’t really a big part of content, but your titles for entries are lame… well, maybe not to you, but this is my review of you, and I’m just callin’ `em likes I seez `em’s.

Aaaah, when I don’t dislike having quotes in a diary. One, without your ugly text box, and two, when it’s lyrics from the Smashing Pumpkins. Suffer is such a beautiful song. Even though you tacked it onto your precursor to the next entry with a quick blurb about how you’re feeling shitty, but no background or founding… but then again I am going in reverse.

Oh fucking A it’s ANYWAY!!! NOT ANYWAY”S”!!!!!! There’s no such fucking thing as “anyways”! No matter what context it’s in, it is always going to be anyway. To think you’re in eloquence (which I think is why I’m being so mean subconsciously. If it is, I apologize.)

Yes, love does make you do stupid insane fucked up things, but most of the time, when you have that vision of clarity, you realize that it’s not love, it’s heightened lust. I can’t guess for you because I’m not you, but maybe you’re stumbling across that. Also, maybe you shouldn’t think of your diary as the internet. Think of it as your fucking diary. How can you be honest with yourself and scream your most innermost thoughts if you’re writing a fucking webpage and not a diary? This isn’t something for you to increase your social standing with, it’s not a car, or a house, or some piece of Uber multimedia equipment, it’s a fucking diary. If you can’t say it out loud, spill it out with your fingers. Vent your fears, vent your frustrations, fuck the ramifications, and just DO IT! Cut yourself open and bleed it all out for Christ’s sake, will the population of diaryland stop holding back so much? All it’s gonna do is raise a generation of people who can’t be honest to anyone if they can’t even be honest with the anonymous atmosphere of the internet.

By the way, get rid of your Xbox, I’m glad you’re a female gamer, but the Xbox is good for 2 things: Sucking, and being an expensive paperweight. Oh wait, 4 things, KOTOR and jet set radio future. Blood Rayne however I was kinda disappointed in, the game play interface was kinda weak. I felt like I was floating around instead of walking anywhere, the graphics were terrible, and the last boss was a pain in the ass, but not in the good way. Meh, I suppose you can decide for yourself. I also found the blood rage meter kinda useless, as well as the harpoon. Buy a Game Cube if you wanna play Soul Caliber 2, Link > Spawn > Heihachi.

Everything from I’m in love to the back and forth arrows was beautiful. That’s exactly how I feel about my fiancé, in fact, that whole fixing the sheets to have her plop right back down on them is something I’ve done many times. Man, now not only have you made me want to sing Buffy songs, read comics, play DnD, go home and rock some weapon master mode with Link, but now you’ve made me want to snuggle with my love muffin.

Okay, general overview time. Your writing doesn’t SUCK per say, BUT (big but) what you write about needs a little UMPH behind it. Sometimes you’re going along great, then you just stop out of nowhere. A lot of times when I was reading your diary, I felt like I was just seeing words on a screen with nothing behind them. Almost like you dumped some words into the “teen-o-matic diary entry maker DX”. You seem intelligent, just bitchy and moody. I could really like your diary I suppose, and we share a lot of common interests, just what your saying kinda goes in one ear and out your mother (sorry, Soundgarden joke, I always have to say it.). As far as content goes, you have content to read, but it feels kinda stiffed. Maybe you and your boyfriend should stop reading each others diaries, you think that would help you to elaborate a bit more on your chosen topics? I mostly just feel stiffed a lot of times. All style, lacking substance.

42/65

Would I come Back Maybe, you seem pretty cool, with a lot of potential to be half as awesome as I am. 2/5

Bonus You like Sandman, Dungeons and Dragons, anime, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and you’re a gamer. If we weren’t both tied up with other people I’d say come be my level 50 Druidess. We would be a +4 in awesomeness. You also probably wouldn’t yell at me for playing Final Fantasy XI for 28 hours straight +6/5

Total62/100

Final Thought

Reviewed By: Tofu